Wednesday, July 30, 2014


Full transparency time...again.
I have fears in my life.  A lot of them.  I recognize most of them are unfounded, but they are there nonetheless.  
My fear right now is my new job. 
In May I was offered a teaching job.  Which, in my area are few bad far between. On top of the fact that I have 12 years experience, my master's degree and two additional certifications, living in a college town with a very strong education program, I had given up on finding a job and had opened my own preschool just last August.  
I had always had teaching jobs because I moved away to larger metro areas where teachers are always needed.  In 2010 I moved back to western Kansas, where my entire family is and started over at 30 years old.
This was all God's work.  I had spent over a decade being miserable.  Looking for things in places that only led to more heartache.  So I finally made the decision I knew I should've made years before and moved back home, lived with my parents and everything.  Talk about humbling.
However, two months into living here, I met my husband.  One year after that we were engaged.  Months after that we were married and had a baby.  I also gained a great step daughter.  
As I said, this was ALL God.  I knew it then and I know it now.  
But I digress.  
My fear is my new job being in special education.  I know that teaching is my spiritual gift and I know I am talented at it.  Which for me to say, is a lot, because I have some real issues with self esteem.  But I have always felt there was a special place in heaven for sped teachers and even though I know I am a good teacher, it takes that and a whole lot more to be a sped teacher.  Yet, here I am.  
More background on my career, when I moved home, I had taken a job that I knew was only for one year under a grant, and of course loved it, but due to funding wasn't able to stay.  But God placed another job opportunity in front of us for a leadership position, which is great for my degree, but it was an hour drive one way.  In my neck of the woods, this is a LOT.  Especially where I am, the rural area with wildlife on the roads wasn't much fun.  One month after I was offered this job, we found out I was pregnant.  So I drove to and from all school year growing larger by the day.  I had our son in February and went back to work in April.  I finished out the school year and oversaw summer school, but I knew I couldn't leave my son again, so again I left my job.  I did sub jobs here and there and helped at preschools in my town the following school year and it worked for those few months but we were financially struggling.
When I started researching the need for a preschool in my town I was amazed to see what a need there was for one and my preschool thrived.  I had a wait list and I was always full.  So when the new job came it, it was a hard decision to make.  
Especially after the financial strain I put on my family by not working full time for several months, then the start up costs for the preschool, I told my husband this was long term.  Eleven months isn't so long term.
But here I am again, ready to embark on a new school year with a new area.  With all my degrees and education, special education isn't one of them.  I am blessed to be offered the job and to have my schooling paid for to complete my special ed degree.  
All of this and so much more, should calm my heart and fears, but I am still afraid.  I pray for it everyday and I know God will provide.  I trust the man that hired me that he knows his stuff and wouldn't have chosen me if I didn't have what it takes.  But failure is always a fear of mine. 
On top of my change, we are changing my son's daycare as well with all of this.  This is hard for me because this in home provider has been the only person my son has been with since he was 12 weeks old.  She has become a friend and is a neighbor so this decision was tough as well. 
Again I know God will provide but the fear is present and I need to let go and let God.
I will keep Psalm 27:1 in the front of my mind and know my family and I will be ok. 

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